The beginning of the End
"Why did you have to tell her?" Katie asked tonight referring to Jessie.
"Because she needed to know, I replied
"how long have you known?" I asked
"A long time. Longer than you" was the answer. It. hit. me. hard.
I haven't blogged in a long, long time and this blog was never setup or intended to cover such hurt. But quite frankly, I'm not sure where to turn or if anyone at all ever reads this blog anymore, so maybe that's good, but I need to get some of this out, before i melt completely away in my tears.
David wants to end our marriage. I think that says it all. His reasoning... he's not happy and doesn't feel he can fulfill his live if we remain married. I can't stop it. He won't try marriage counseling, he doesn't want to try (even for the sake of our daughters), he just wants out.
Katie's comment to me tonight confirmed what I've known (but what he firmly denied to me the other day) that he has been prepping and priming Katie for months.
For the last two weeks I've broken down almost daily several times in tears. It doesn't feel good have so much shit raining down on top of you and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
I'm trying hard to be the donkey in the story that my Aunt shared with me a few weeks ago. The story is about an old donkey that farmer through down an abandoned well so he could rid himself of the pesky creature. Thinking the donkey would surely die, the farmer dumped the manure from the stables into the well almost daily. The donkey at the bottom would feel the manure falling on his back and instead of giving up, he shake his back off and stomp the manure under his feet.
He kept this up for several months, each time stomping down a little bit more below his feet and low and behold, one day he stomped enough mature underneath him, to be able to crawl out of the well.
I know I'll make through the next couple months and will eventually emerge from this avalanche of crap coming at me right now. It hurts so bad and it's hard for me to see that far ahead, but please lord help me get there quickly, cause being the donkey at the bottom of the well feels like hell.